Proud to be an American?

i wont lie. i can't sleep, and it frustrates me. thus, i come to you in frustration tonight.
because i have an eight am class, and for some odd reason beyond my knowledge, i can't sleep.
storyofmylife.
actually, the story of my life is irony. but... thats a whole different story in itself.
just basically the fact that i life a very ironic life.
have you ever looked in the mirror and said to yourself, "self. that was a little too ironic"
yeah, i do that 3248293748 times a day mkay?
tell me about it.

now, i am sure you are wondering why i put my title as the following.
i would tell you, but i might get shot...
so i will just let out what has been on my mind lately.
since the healthcare bill, and my healthcare class with Dr. Cowan.
Lets discuss Switzerland.
they used to be like the US once upon a time, and have people die all the time because they refused to cover them.
with that said, they were able to come together ...to unite... under the belief of soliditary, which is the belief that everyone is equal.
and they started thinking to themselves, "Switzierina is wealthy and is able to get that knee procedure, so she will be fine in a couple of months, while Switzo on the other hand, doesn't have the money to afford the surgery so he will never walk again."
whats wrong with that?
well... because Switzeirina makes more money, she gets to live a happy walkathon life.
because Switzo doesn't make that much, he gets to be miserable.
thus, the switzeronies thought to themselves, "we have to fix this for it disturbs our belief of SOLIDITARY"
and then... BAM
it was fixed.

So our job, in the class, was to discuss with our group some questions, and one of the questions was, Does the US have something they can all lean back on to help motivate people to fix our healthcare system.
guess what we found out!??
we got nothing people.
ab.sol.lute.leee nothing. notta. zip. have a nice day. the end.

okay, not the end really, but i mean... come on???
are we THAT selfish of a nation that its all about memyselfmymoneyandI.
the correct answer is yes.
now, hear me out, you can argue all you want there are good people, and i will say yes i agree, i see them all the time.
but notice... nothing has been changed. so there might be good people, but obviously there isn't enough of these people.
The problem is we, as Americans truly believe that the person who makes more money IS better than the lower class or middle class. now as harsh as that sounds, these wealthy people feel they have a reason to define themselves as better.
they got the education!!! they spent all that time in school!!! they worked so very very hard to get where they are!! of COURSE they should be awarded!!!
...
what about the boy who tried so hard to get into school, but couldn't quite make it past average? and his parents couldn't afford for him to go, and he couldn't raise enough money himself, and knew that if he did take out loans... hed be in debt the rest of his life.
what about him?
lets say he goes right into the working business and works his butt off, literally works these long hour shifts everyday.
and still just can't get above that poverty line.
you think your so better than him?
id say he works a lot harder than you.
people throw school in everyone's face, but reality is that the world is a lot tougher than school.
its like in Lit today we were explicating the play The Dollhouse, and one of the parts was how she would refer to the outside as being "cold" and although she meant weather wise, there was a metaphor there also... the world outside her house was cold.
and its true. this world is so cold and very brutal, and with self absorbed people, it can make things a lot harder than they already are.
so no,
i dont care if you have been in school for fifty years.
you are no better than the hobo who, after the war, had no where to go.
You may not be religious, but we can all agree Jesus was quiet the teacher.
and he never put anyone above anyone else.
everyone was equal in his eyes.
Jesus was definitely a liberal, i dont care what you say.
he said we are to take care of the poor.
to take care of our people.
and yet its the conservatives who end up winning this battle all the time.
and they use scare tactics such as socialism.
oh good grief for crying out loud.
im not saying the health bill is the best in the world.
but its a start.
its about time America starts realizing what is going on, and that we start doing something about it.
maybe we ought to find something we can all agree on.
i just find it a little ironic that everyone takes care of their people, yeah, maybe some systems are jank, but at least they try, and at least they are willing.
what do we have?
a bunch of people scared for themselves instead of looking at what is going on.
a;dslkfjad;flkj.
theres my frustration.
maybe i can get some sleep now.

oh by the way,
the choir concer Thursday, rocked.
i had a blast.
i love choir.

OH! and i had another photography job Saturday,
lady wanted me to take pictures of her daughter playing softball.
it was a lot harder than my previous jobs.
but i rather enjoyed it a ton.


These are Demi.



These are Christina.



These are my sister.
these weren't taken with the good camera though...
i need to get on that...

experience ecstatic change.

I should be getting started on my 500 page paper for Schneibel.
okay i lie.
its just an 8-10 page paper.
but in my world, that equals 500.
I have decided I am going to tell you the journey that I had, which started last thursday and ended Tuesday night.
now, i am done capitalizing what needs to be capitalized because it slows me down.
i boarded a big bus with about fifty other people on thursday march whatever that date was, (my sister is on my phone talking to some boy so i dont even know what the date is right now let alone last thursday, i just realized that i rely too much on my phone, wow what an epiphany within two seconds of that thought) ANYWAYS.
i boarded that bus with one thing on my mind, "i dont want to go i dont want to go"
yes ladies and gentleman while you got to enjoy the beach, or family, or boyfriends, i was boarding a bus to killmeland.
which is what i thought of at first. choir tour, is what it really was.
i was even mad at one of my friends for getting sick and being able to get out of it.
i hope wilner or olander are not reading this because it might hurt their feelings.
i just didn't want to go at all. i was very pessimistic about it, which isn't like me at all.
i wanted to stay home and actually have a break.
but i sucked it up and sat down in the very backseat next to the toilet (which further noted was a very BAD idea, never take the back seat next to the toilet) and i just sat there awaiting the awful trip ahead of me.
the first concert i was okay with, i wasn't into it 100percent, but i can't help but always get into the music im singing. im just a passionate person all the way around.
then i might Cathy Wright.
and her husband Johnny.
and they took whitney and i to their house. now. let me paint a picture for you of this magnificent house.
you walk through the door and there is a tiny living room that for some odd reason just made me think of the rainforest. it was beautiful. and then behind the living room was a table and to the right of the table was a small kitchen. whitney and i stayed upstairs which was like a loft. you could actually stand next to the rail and see the small dinning room if you looked down. cathy actually designed the house herself. and it was absolutely gorgeous.
they also had a bird house out in the back, and since they lived out in the middle of nowhere in little red riding hoods house, they had some of the most beautiful birds eating out of that feeder the next morning. i wanted to stay so badly.
cathy also made vegetarian food for whitney, and i ate it too. it was so good, and she packed us both vegetarian lunches for the next day.
i also learned she is a speech pathologist, and she absolutely adores her job. whats really ironic is that "dumb" freshman test thingy we all had to take in FRS individual class, the one that tells you what your interests are and what future careers you might be interested in?. well, my top pick was speech pathologist.
its someone who works with kids and speech, or the mentally ill or disabled, which is what cathy does. it was so awesome to hear about her job.
the next day we were loading the bus and of course, whitney and i had forgotten our robes back at the house, which was a good twenty minute drive. and little ole Johnny just took off to get them for us.
cathy said he liked being the hero.
and then cathy was hitting on dustin smith asking him if he'd be interested in an older woman.
because they are more experienced.
she was a hoot.
lesson i learned from night one: enjoy your life. find a career that you absolutely adore and just go for it. no matter how hard it takes to finally get there. always be strong.
cathy is my symbol of staying young and crazy even when im older.

I started off the next day with a much brighter attitude, and was already very glad that I didn't catch the awful cold ashley did and not be able to go.
i was ready to start my day.
and that day i enjoyed every time we performed.
that night i met Beth Fountain. and i fell in love.
Beth travels all over with the business she is involved with. shes the person to go to when you need... well basically anything.
she was even the mom at an indian wedding for the bride and the groom, because their parents didn't agree with their marriage. she was of a higher class then he was, but they met at school in the US, where the india girl stayed with Beth.
their parents came around eventually and they had another wedding.
Beth collects the hotel shampoo conditioner and lotion bottles, which i found was really awesome. to have shampoos from all over the world.
whitney and i talked to her for hours after getting to her house.
and i told her how i had been struggling with school, and how i was scared i would lose my scholarships and have no other choice but to go to UT, and she really calmed me down a lot. She was so relaxed and positive, and even gave me her phone number and told me to call her anytime i needed words of encouragement, or even if i just wanted to tell her how good im doing.
lesson i learned that night: you dont have to always be so stressed out about life. take a step back and enjoy it. travel the world and indulge yourself into other cultures, work hard, but dont let it consume you to where you go crazy. just breathe.
I would have to say, Beth left quite the mark on me.
the next day went even better for me. i was definitely glad i had come, and i was no longer in a depressing mood.
God was teaching me things, and I was having fun learning.
the next night was the italian family. Grossi.
and no, they were a lot different from the first two nights.
they were socially awkward, and kinda threw us in a room without talking at all.
but i learned something that night as well: you dont always have to be perfect, there are all kinds of people out there, and even the ones who don't know how to communicate still want to help out in some way, maybe they just dont know how, but they are at least willing to try. so always, no matter what the cost of understanding is, try to make a difference.
even if you are bad at it, someone is noticing.
i was very appreciative of a bed and a warm place to stay that night.
the next night i learned what it felt like to walk into a mansion.
a real one.
yes the biltmore is a mansion, but its different. the biltmore is show cased...
im talking about an actual house that someone lives in that is...
well their bathtub is bigger than my house, if that tells you anything at all.
the people were so nice.
and the people we stayed with, forgive me because i can't quite remember their names. one was a dean of the local college, and one was a religion professor or something of Duke.
both very intelligent people.
but both very very different as well. the man is originally from washington DC, and they moved because of her job, and they are now closer to her family.
that was the night whit and i stayed with kevin, nate, and matthew. and we watched the funniest movie ever with a very young jack nicholson, i can't remember the name of the movie but i laughed my head off, and afterwards kevin played the guitar and we sang songs while matthew recorded them.
it was a heap of fun.
but as i was going downstairs to get in bed, i noticed that the lady was sitting as far left to the couch she possibly could, and the man was sitting as far right.
and for some odd reason.
it made me think of me and matt, and how i dont think i could ever sit that far away from him.
i also noted that it was very late.
but they let me know they were night people.
the guy had a voltswagon from france... and it was blue, and her name was celeste. it was his "baby"
but although they seemed uptight, they were actually really relaxed people themselves. but i think it was because they were so prompt and organized.
so what i learned that night was that you can have order in your life and still enjoy it.
maybe they sat so far away because if they sat close they'd be tempted to go wild, and they didn't want to go wild with us children upstairs.
who am i to know?
never judge.
because you never know what the underlying cause to anything is.
organization is not a bad thing.
it isn't what causes stress.
stress is all in your mind, and how you let it control you.


the next day was the beach.
and even though it was one day at the beach, it was enough to simply put the cherry on my frosty.
the wind was blowing just right, with small ringlets of my hair lightly licking my forehead, oh my how great it was. the sun warming my face, i almost forgot how much i enjoy that.
being able to hear the ocean, and dig my toes in the sand. i just laid there. i didn't need to run around, or kick a ball. i just wanted to lay there and soak it all in.
listen to the waves crash
listen to the wind whistle against the ocean.
and have the wind blow the sand in my hair and onto my face.
having the sun warm my entire body, but the wind takes the perspiration off my forehead.
it was simply wonderful.
i was in such a good mood that entire rest of the day. i was a sunflower.
just full of light and yellow blossom.
then i heard the words,
"Kayla Swafford, Caitlin Whaley, Whitney Hunt, and Sarah Bohlman will be staying at such n such's condo which is located on the beach"
im sorry what was that?
oh.no.he.did.not.just.make.my.night.
oh.yes.he.did.
all four of us were jumping with glee, while we got stared down by the seniors. ..thats really not funny though, i could understand being a senior and a stupid freshman getting the best house over me... id be ticked.
but...
its not like it was my decision.
they put me with the kickbutthardcore righteously awesome house.
so what can i do?
... i'll tell you what i did do... i ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.
the lady's name was Eileen, and she was a retired nurse and physician. she took care of her ninety year old mother.
it was like vacation.
green walls, and tye dye blue bathroom walls.
and yes me, sarah, and whitne (kayla didn't feel good). went out on the beach at about ten oclock.
it felt amazing.
and we were the only ones out there.
it was beautiful. even though you couldn't see the potential of the stars for some of the building lights,
it was still a sight to see.
then we were able to see the sunrise at 7:25, and it was gorgeous.
Eileen was so nice too. she packed us a ton of stuff, and on our way out she gave us each a card.
we opened it when we got back to the church.
twenty bucks each.
between four people.
thats eighty bucks....
that lady dished out eighty bucks.
i could barely believe it...
what i learned that night: sometimes when you least expect it, you can be radically knocked off your feet.
enjoy life no matter what. never let fear control you.
if you want to take all your clothes off and run down to the ocean.
do it.
you only live once.

The last night, which was the grand finale.
we stayed with once again, i can't remember their names. i believe they both started with S.
but what i do know is that i walked into the bedroom and the first thing i saw i yelled,
"OH MY WORD A KOKOPELLI!"
i run over to the miniature statue and pick it up, it has to be the coolest kokopelli i have ever laid eyes on.
the man walks in, while the woman is saying, "this brings back memories" and i ask him if he knows what Kokopelli is the god of, he replies no.
while i am telling him the lady is rummaging through a closet, and she brings out a painting.
its actually called a navajo sandpainting.
it symbolizes healing.
i am gawking at it when i hear, "you can have it"
of course, i know this can't be serious.
they can't really be giving me this amazing sandpainting that they could give to anyone in the world.
so i ask them to make sure im not hearing things.
and no, they really said it. they really wanted to give me the sandpainting.
i was EXHILARATED!!
we then went up the stairs where they made us brownies with icecream on top, and we talked in the living room.
i told ..i think his name was steve... all about maryville college, and the bonner program. his wife actually is what he called a professional volunteer, which i thought was radical.
they are also big on missions, and they travel with their own choir.
they leave tomorrow for England, which they are going by boat, which will take seven days, which is where they will learn the music.
i was so amazed, and jealous of course.
it was so interesting talking to them
and what i learned is that i really do need to get out there in the world and experience different cultures.
i need to feel naked.
that feeling when you walk into a room with a bunch of people dressed to impress and you just got off from work...
i need to walk into a culture shock that will radically change my life.
i need to strive for it.

all in all, i learned something every night.
so i would have to say that the choir tour was a success.
not to mention, i learned that my choir director isn't just a strict person who waves a magic wand and people sing.
shes a person too.
and she is actually pretty cool.
i am so glad i went.
i enjoyed singing, and for once i didn't miss highschool choir.
i think i have accepted where i am.
and im ready to move forward now.
im having life experiences left and right.
i can't wait to see what the next four years have in store for me.


kokopelli.

on the beach.

So you wanna change the world?

What are you waiting for?

Sorry it has been so long. I have been so overwhelmed. I feel as though I am being bombarded with homework. I guess what comes up really does have to come down. Thank you for that awesome law called gravity Galileo.
Last semester I was totally on top of things.
This semester, I am on top of things, but it is a lot harder to climb a mountain made of wet leaves then it was made of flowers and lollipops.

This past week I was able to be stressed about a yearbook assignment, and getting prepared for a western civ exam which takes place wednesday.
But better than that...
I gave up facebook.
DONT CATCH YOUR BREATH!! I was just simply driving home one day and I was listening to the radio for once, (instead of a cd, or my ipod that my boyfriend matt has had for OOMPTEETH YEARS!). anyways, the fella on the radio said something about lent, and giving something up for forty days, where you can focus and spend time with God. Now, I realize baptist dont follow this, but honestly, who cares? since when should you have to be completely held down by a set of laws?
especially religiously speaking.
can this not just count as fasting?
so i guess if you believe in Lent you can say that I am giving up facebook for lent. if you are just totally against that, then you can say im fasting from facebook for forty days.
either way. my facebook date is March 30th. haha. im pathetic I know.

anyways, I decided I would take this time to discuss my amazingly awesome yearbook topic that i had to cover. which was.
dundundun.
the study abroad program. honestly, i couldn't have been more happier. because traveling, and cultures, and well, saving the world of course, are top on my todo priority list. so when i got the assignment i was like.
FOR SERIOUS! YES!
those words are exact, foryourinfosir.
I sent out questions and the famous four that I got answers back from were Houston Miller from germany. (when i say from germany, i mean thats where he studied. abroad.) Whitney Ziggs and Blythe Tyrone from India, and then Laurel Valk from costa rica!!!!!

You know I really enjoyed writing the copy for this spread, and I learned a lot from it too. I can not wait to study abroad. I mean, without talking to anyone who has been, i already knew it had to be a radical life molding experience, but just hearing it is something else in itself.
Germany - he got to go to the concentration camps. I dont know what that means to you, but really? I mean to actually stand there were so many people suffered? i just... i can't even imagine.
and i have always wanted to go to india. actually it is where i want to do most of my missions work. it was always australia and india. you know i drove past the bridge in knoxville, and if you are from here you know exactly where im talking about, heck, even if you aren't from here, you probably know where im talking about.
just seeing all those homeless people...
call me a baby or not. but i cried. i teared up, it hurts, and what hurts more is i feel like everything i do, is never enough. i can't even imagine what would happen to me if i went to india.
i have always been a community service dork. its where my heart is, mom says she realized that when i was five, but i am not good at it.
i always. ALWAYS get emotionally attached. and i hate it, i dont know how to stop it. it just always happens.
We had this guy preach at our church this morning (SHBC) and sorry i can't remember his name for the life of me, but he showed a video of the world. and the poverty in the world. i saw starving children, naked men, crying mothers holding dead babies.
by the end of the video. i felt a personal connection to all of those people.
it was... so odd... and throughout the whole sermon the only thing going on inside my head was "yes yes yes i have got to get out there... i have got to do something"
there have been many times where i have wondered if i should just quit school and get started now.
but then ... i remember where im at.
im at maryville college.
the most radically life changing college that exists.
PERIOD.
no questions asked.
These girls and guys who went on these trips around the world... they are forever changed.
forever. thats it! you can't witness such an overwhelming and eccentric episode like that... and NOT be changed forever.
unless...your a robot and dont get affected by anything.
not to mention theres not a doubt in my mind that the professors didn't help along with the process.
I want to study abroad so very badly. dont get me wrong, i learned a lot in jterm... but to be able to go and have such a life changing experience...
i can't wait.
its times like these that i wish i had money.
i have never been a materialistic person. never. i hate money. and how it makes or breaks a person.
that kills me.
thats a whole other argument in itself.
but then again. what can you say? its the truth... if you dont have the money... you can't go to these places.
i can't stand it honestly.
but no worries.
God will find a way.
I am patient. i have been for eighteen years now.
my time will come, and oh boy when it does.

i can't wait.

I will be on here periodically this week, because there is a lot going on. well.. more or less next week.
But still, theres a lot for end of Feb going into the month of March.
and OH
by the way, I am very happy because this weekend was gorgeous. Summer... i know you're out there... i can feel you, just break through those gates baby!!!
your shine totally outlasts those winds.
just keep fighting through!



and for those of you who care:

i hope you all had a fantabulous SKITTLES DAY!!!!!... although you probably celebrated valentines day, i decided that valentines day was just...simply... too cliche. so matt and i celebrated Skittles DAY!!!!!.
if you didn't know, skittles are happy pills because they come from the rainbow. if you are ever sad, just eat a skittle. from experience! i promise they make you happ happ happee.
i made us bleached tye dye shirts, and then as a surprise matt had me pick out two peices of fabric, and we made a shirt.
haha.
it was oober amounts of fun, and although there weren't your usual flowers and candy, it was simply amazing.
i got him a croaking frog full of skittles, and yes...it really croaks. haha, and then i bought him a HEAP OF OREO stuff, because oreos are his favorite.
that picture up there is actually our shirt that we made. it was fun, and yes its a bit raggidy, but... im not a female at heart, so this was my first time sowing.
DONT JUDGE ME!
..i can't really cook either...
thats okay... so what if my mind has been on other things besides the social norm for women.
i can deal yo.

So HAPPY belated SKITTLES DAY.
Skittle Rhymes with YO.
and remember, whenever you are unhappy. eat a skittle.

let it go.

I have a feeling I am going to get fired. I need to start updating this more. I have just been so busy that im lucky if i get in bed before one o'clock.
WAIT!
i know... you are probably thinking, "psh...i stay up till six" well... my friends, I am a sleeper. I can not function without my sleep, it is apart of my healthy routine. and since i have three days to where i have to be at class at eight am...well that is early.
im not a normal college student. ok? i get this already.
have you noticed...its snowing. i noticed because i got up to go to class and couldn't get out of my driveway basically.
literally slid into my neighbor's yard..
yeah...sorry about that.
its actually quite frustrating. i am sick of the snow. i dont care if you like it. i dont care if it tastes good on your tongue, or its just eversoromantic to kiss in.
its cold. when it touches you its wet. thus resulting in making you cold, and to top it off you are usually stuck. like me. at home.
yes snow is pretty.
but how about just one day a year huh? then sunshine city. thats what im talkin bout.

honestly my last two weeks have been just ridiculously stressful. my poison ivy kept me up basically all week last week, i was basically forced to go to the walk in clinic and get a horrid shot injected into my bum. i still kind of have it... i refuse to take the steroid to get rid of it.
re. fus.e.

i was looking at some discussion boards online where people get sick and then post on it and then a lot of people post back a remedy or a way that sick person can get help.
i noticed one post said something along the lines of,"dont go to the doctor! all they will do is soak your insides up with antibiotics and it will ruin your immune system" it made me laugh. giggle. chuckle. whatever you do. it was funny. because it is so right. i have been to the doctors before and the woman didn't even seem to care. she just wanted to get off work. she barely even "checked" me out. she just rolled her eyes and then shoved a piece of paper in my mouth.
i unwadded the wet paper from my mouth to see it was a prescription for an antibiotic.
HA! no way jose! haha.
thats JOE SAY by the way. not HOES SAY..what? haha.

ANYWAYS. after the shot though i was feeling a lot better and got a good nights sleep that night.
sleep is so great.
and i was able to pay full attention in class again, which was good.
i love my english lit class. my notes are so cool.
i mean... you know your notes are cool when they say things such as:
"liberates the mind..."
I have learned a lot in this class, and I am so excited to get involved deeper into my major.
im seriously a little child who received a pony... not a sucker... i mean suckers were nice but im talking PONY!
this is definitely my pony.

I am kind of irritated too, because i dont get to go see my elderly folk today. i miss them terribly. they always make me smile. there is one woman in particular, and i love her to death. she fancies reading a lot, just like me. She is almost 100, and what is so cute is how she lives her life through these books.
literally. when we talk... she tells me stories about her life... only its not really her life... its the life of the characters in her books.

and it makes me smile. not a "your crazy" smile, but a genuine smile. because thats going to be me when im older. sometimes you just dont want to stay in this life. i mean... call it stupid but i have honestly lived my life by the song "Ghost of Corporate Future" by Regina Spektor. I heard it my eighth grade year, and have lived it since.
it says... "never ever watch the ten o'clock news"
now... dont get me wrong, I have also learned that it is good to be informed and involved. I learned this through the Bonner program. you can't help...if you do not know what needs helping.
But honestly... think about it.
all the ...crap... that is on the news now... its depressing. and there are times where i will get so mad i just turn the tv off...and go read.
because i do read to escape.
however wrong it may be to some people... you do your petty drug... i'll stick with my imagination.
the song also says, "cause people are just people they shouldn't make you nervous. the world is everlasting put dirtballs in your pocket" dont make fun.
this is so real.
ever notice how people can get SO intimidated by other people...
i mean... yeah... that particular professor might just be down right scary... but he/she is a person too.
caitlin's urbandictionary of a person-someone who goes through struggles just like you. someone who has feelings too.
a someone. just like you.

never forget that.
it could make a difference.

i notice that i usually have really scattered blogs... and for that i am major sorry. i guess my mind just gets going...and then BAM.
theres basically a bunch of scribble scrabble on the page.
thats my mind for you i suppose.

oh. and not that you can notice on here. but i got a hair cut. i woke up friday morning and said, "you know what... you look boring. lets change something"

"maybe you should cut your own hair cause that would be so funny. it doesn't cost any money and it always grows back. hair grows even after your dead."
-Regina.Spektor.

True lies.

"people have the habit of inventing fictions they will believe wholeheartedly in order to ignore the truth that they cannot accept" -Libba Bray.

If you do not know who Libba Bray is, allow me to enlighten you.
she is an author.
but not just any author.
she is the author of, in my opinion, the best series known to mankind, even though they aren't very known.
she is a unique and just outlandish writer, but peculiar as she is she is really really just very talented and good, and she is my favorite.

My friend Ua told me to update this, so i suppose i shall.
must keep the readers happy yeah?
so this is for you budd.ee.

have i ever told you i think facebook is a disease?
just a really downright nasty rapid growing disease. i was going through some info on people's profiles, dont ask me why...its one twenty in the am. dont judge me. you do it too.
and i noticed that a lot of people had how they wanted to change the world and blah blah blah.
i can keep saying blah.
im not downing these people. not at all. i just dont like how, in my opinion, this has been turned into a cliche saying.
i feel like, some of these people just have that on there... to make THEMSELVES feel good..you know what i mean? like... if they can make themselves believe that they actually care... then they can go to bed at night feeling like they did a good thing.
caring is a good thing.
but thats about as far as it goes.
just a thought.
i was just thinking how im pretty sure i have to relate everyone of these entries to maryville college, and what is really ironic, is even though i started this not thinking i was going to be able to... i so totally and righteously can.
which is rad.
everyone at maryville college who says they want change.
i believe.
and i know that most of them...at least the ones i know... really do want to make a difference. and what a perfect college to attend, then one that is rooted in community service. i am so proud to be apart of a community that ...
doesn't seem so fake.
i just... i feel all the time like we are surrounded by people who go with the flow...
"Hey kids the new fashion "IN" thing right now is saving the world..."
SURVEY SAYS: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!
what does that accomplish?
what does an idea accomplish if its not fully worked out?
just like this healthcare paper i just got done writing... we have plans set up... we have examples such as canada staring us in the face... but what good does that do us if we dont actually put in it into practice.
if we dont try? if we dont take that step?

i mean... you can do your own little thing to help "change" the world.
it doesn't have to be big... you dont have to fly to india...
which makes me think of something else....
why do people who get to travel all over the world get put on a higher pedal stool?
i volunteer at a place, where a lady dedicates a lot of her life to being there and helping better these children.... she does it for free... no she doesn't get to travel to Kazakhstan, but she is making just as big a difference in those children's lives, as Johnny CASH is in Japan. I am sorry that some of us dont...poop green wads... does that mean we can't be any more helpful? we can't make anymore of a difference? um.
lemme think.
no. no it doesn't.
the travelers that like to throw it into everyone's face...
im sorry, you are no better than my friend whitney who decided to be a vegetarian because it saves the environment.
dont get me wrong... i am not saying traveling is bad. i plan on doing it... one day, i just have to get around to planting that money tree in my backyard..
i love people who are able to travel...
its the people who throw it in your face like they are better than you...
they are not better than you.
YOU can make a difference.
go buy an organic cotton tshirt.
good job to you! you made a difference.
go recycle.
go randomly down the street and pick up all the garbage you see alongside the road.
go pull up some english ivy (just dont be like me...and get POISON ivy in the process haha).
anyone can make a difference.
and everyone should.

basically i guess all this bulls down to is this...
actions speak louder than words.

you feel me?
okay good.
peace.
Ua.
you inspire me.

red for HAITI.

Suppose this blog is just going to be a bit different. since my entire day today was just exciting, well... my morning anyways, i figured id just give you a "this is what my morning was like" blog.
This morning I woke up, and the first thing I did was pray that God would take the horrible nightmare I had last night away.
no you just dont understand...it was the most scarriest dream...if it was made into a movie. it would beat... the exorcist! okay maybe not that bad. but it scared me. if you want to know you can let me know, and i'll post a blog on here specifically about my dream, but anyways...
so after i shook off the awful nightmare i remembered ITS RED FOR HAITI! so i shuffled through my clothes, and wouldn't you believe it... had NO RED SHIRTS... so i freaked. well, not really, but i was frustrated. so i went down and actually found one downstairs, so i was just excited and threw it on. it was definitely three sizes too big, but...i mean come on... its red for haiti.

Now arriving on campus I get out of my car and i suddenly notice...i feel like pooh. my nose is stuffy, my head is killing me, and my body feels like im 500 years old. (even though i dont know what that feels like in all actuality, but its what i would IMAGINE a 500 year old would feel like). then it hit me, ..we are supposed to be going out into the woods to kill of the infestation of the invasive species... well darn im not really wearing the right shoes or the right pants.
least my shirts okay.
because its read...for haiti.
so i walk to class and now ive noticed my eyes are hurting so bad i can not look up... or directly into the light. well.just.great.
i shall skip forward to when we are in the woods. i actually went CRAZY... just seeing those trees being molested by those vines drove me WILD... and sickness or no sickness there I went.
pulling up english ivy here... yelling at it under my breath there... i threw a couple of take that you tree suckers!
you may laugh... but i was seriously ticked.
and then the professor i was working with, forgive me i can't remember her name. my mind was a bit occupied, told me how during the summer people BUY THIS STUFF from gardening places.....
im sorry.
excuse me for just one second.
um.
WHAT!!!!!!!!!!! okay, now before i start going off on how dumb these people who buy it are, or the people who sell it...
think about it...
they. dont. know.
I mean, what other college do you know that just has a class or a professor who looks at you and basically says, "hey... you see that tree? well those "pretty" vines on it are killing it and ripping the life right out of it, and the rest of the woods"
who does that?
maryville college.
can i get an amen? ... thank you. now then, it made me come to a realization...(yes i know, you might be annoyed...i have been through SO many realizations this year, and well...last year too haha) Maryville College is for me. yeah, im sure a lot of people feel this way. and thats good. but im talking i would fight for my grades just as much to stay in the college, then to learn more about my major.
yes i am passionate about journalism, and yes i want to be a righteous activist who not only makes a difference, but impacts to the soul.
but i am just as passionate about this school.
i get mad when people down canada... well if you ever downed my college.
just back up... okay?
i believe everyone here. professors. students. music professors. art professors. the football coach. the volleyball coach. EVERYONE HERE is making a difference, someway or somehow.
just open your eyes.
really, open them.

on another note... i got attacked by mother nature today.
i was on a buttered roll pulling up the english ivy roots, and i pulled one so hard... but the crazy thing is... IT PULLED BACK... no joke... it was like there was a monster in that hole that was playing tugofivy with me..
and i freaked... i stepped back and was like OHMYWORD
and then i hear,
"oh was that you"... i look at susan...
theres my ivy monster.
we just happened to be going for the same one... but i seriously thought that something was fighting me for that vine.
i told susan she could have it.

if theres one thing im really learning in jterm, its that no matter how big or how small... a difference is a difference.
it was required for us to go out in the woods today and help out our trees.
then sparked the want and desire from several students such as susan pogue, to continue to do that.
that is how you do it.
you go out there and be loud and proactive, and SOMEONE will hear you SOMEONE will care. SOMEONE will listen.

I mean look at how many americans have rushed to the aid of Haiti...
thank you everyone.
not from me...
but for them.
I was telling susan today. I have noticed that I get mad when someone judges all of us christians by one christian... but im not perfect. i judge all americans by one selfish arrogant pig.
i see one person who only cares about themselves and i think "this is what our people fought for? for jerks like this to take advantage while there are people out there suffering?" well... thats not fair. you should always give someone a chance.
not only was my hope restored... but i was taught a lesson.
i even heard my professor Dr.Bruce say, "I didn't think this much would get done..." talking about the woods.
you can't underestimate people.
you have to have faith... that there ARE people out there who care.
i mean look at THE WHOLE maryville college campus.
i believe everyone...or at least over half of the people here.
truly care.
we just have to spread that.
like i said before..
care is a verb..

now im going to do what matt told me to do and go to sleep. my eyes are watering and im freezing...
but maybe enough orange juice and positive thoughts of IM NOT REALLY SICK.
will make me better.

live.

even though you can't change things, doesn't mean you shouldn't try.
sometimes just a small thing, such as caring, goes alot further than just a thought that does nothing but obtain dust in your head.

Care is a verb.

Heritage Museum. Me and Susan Pogue ;DD





It's been awhile, and for that my most deepest and very true condolences.

I have a lot to put on here. i know loooong posts can look overwhelming, but hang in there. we can do this together. I should actually be asleep, but I can't sleep. wired mind. i want to read, but I know that if I start, i wont stop. so im not even going to start.
For one, J-term has gone rather well. I have been overwhelmed with project after project, but i have learned a lot. I have come to the conclusion that Maryville College is the most unique and original college out there, and i know this may sound bad... but i am so glad i dont go to ANY other college. I feel like this college does more than help prepare you for your future career. They mold your mind. they open your eyes. you not only gain a wisdom, but a deep and more meaningful understanding of something. Take J term for example. you can complain all you want because of the homework and assignments, but take a step back.
ah... you see?
well, for those of you who are blind, let me be your eyes.
yes the homework may get annoying, but look at what you have learned in your classes.
my friend kayla swafford is taking the water class, and she posted this on her facebook :Water is a source of life, and yet everyday 30,000 ppl die of waterborne illnesses. Turn on your tap and have plenty? Buy what about the children in Africa, or Bolivia who don't have water, or the 1 in ten children in these countries that won't make it to the age of 5 bc all they have is contaminated water? Who cares, right? Take your 15 minute shower.
these classes are opening our minds, they are making us look deeper into the picture.
my class has taught me to really think about my surroundings, and how every thing is connected. one thing has the ability to completely ruin another thing. i walked out into our woods today, and saw english ivy everywhere...im talking SAW... i have seen it before yes, but today i really saw it. the broken limbs... the dead trees...this awful thing just suffocating the life out of these trees. thats just a small example compared to all thats going on with invasive exotice species in the world today.
did you know ladybugs were invasive?
yeah. well. they are.
so are cats.

what other college do you know that has a class where your eyes are completely open to how much the world has changed, and is still drastically changing right before our tiny little pupils.
most people dont care.
its time we start caring.
its time we start doing something.

the walk started back as well.
i have actually been very depressed for the past two days.
the situation in Haiti, is just, its too much.
i dont understand why its happening, but i have to keep hold of God, and trust him. and pray. since thats all, for now, that i can do. i hate the way i am right now. i think i heard about a hundred people talk about how something bad was going on in their life, and i wanted to shake them "THERE ARE BIGGER THINGS THEN THAT GUY NOT ASKING YOU OUT"... its wrong, i shouldn't think that.
but i will say, that it upset me that kiffin seemed to be more important then these people who have lost ...everything...
i dont want to get into it. because im a very passionate person.
too passionate actually.
i feel attached to these people...all from a video that Tim and the others brought back showing them receiving the shoes that everyone gave...
i can still see the little boys face in my head... the little girl's smile.
pray.
please.

Give me a revelation.
show me what to do.

I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy GOD.
follow you into the world.

perspectives on a new adventure

"“Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in where nature may heal and cheer and give strength to the body and soul.” -John Muir.

I walked into class today with the thoughts, "man im tired, and would like to go back to bed" and I left class thinking, "okay new goal in life: to see all the national parks in the world"
I have professor Bruce. and I have invasive species. and I wanted zebra mussels, but susan pogues group beat us, our group chose heads and it landed on tails.
so my group...well..the group im in... its not "my group" is doing English Ivy. oh joy of fun. actually im quite excited about the class. because im a nature buff, or as my site manager from my nursing home calls me, "her little treehugger" gotta love it. I also learned a lot just being in the first class today.
within those glorious three hours.
it wasn't as bad as it sounds. it wasn't bad at all actually.
its a shame how much people abuse the beauty of our land. I learned about the Appalachians. and how coal mines changed the relationship between people and the land. because of this ugly thing called coal people decided to start running around and tearing up as much nature as they could, and in doing so infected people's land and the wildlife that surrounds it. that is in it. that lives there. stripmining. it increased flooding. but worst of all is mountain top removal. its where they tear off the top of the mountain... and it no longer even looks like a mountain...

Hey sally, My name is peter. i know you take advantage of the candies i give you, but heres some flowers anyways... because they are really pretty and i love you, and want you to have them...even though you don't deserve them.
Hey peter, thank you for the flowers.... BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.
she blows the flowers up...
or ... cuts off the petals...

its the same thing.
here we are, given these gorgeous mountains... that not EVERY COUNTRY...or STATE has... and what do we want to do?... oh... here lemme tell you.
we enjoy blowing them up so we can get..this little thing called coal.
didn't you know coal is given to the mean and stingy kids for christmas?... HELLO DONT YOU READ THE SANTA BOOKS!
i realize what coal is used for... but i mean really????
... i need to stop... im going to really put myself in a bad mood...and then i'll be up all night. and i have a field trip tomorrow, and must get some sleep.

anyways,
i think im going to really like this class.
and im going to be really heartfelt through it. i am a very passionate person. a lot of people who are close to me know this... and i can get out of control sometimes...
but.
thats just who i am. take it or leave it.
i also believe i am going to really like my group. im with a bunch of smart kids, so i expect to gain a lot of deep and really thought out conversations.

I am going to blog tomorrow about a thought I had while on facebook.
yes, like i said... facebook is taking over the world.
it actually scares me..
i do fear facebook.
until then,
peace.

love is a peace.

in the middle of a war.
if we try to leave. may God send angels to guard the door.
no love is not a fight. but its something worth fighting for.

You know, every year people talk about how Christmas is thrown way out of perspective. and I agree, but this year, Christmas didn't even knock on my door...its just flew through...and now its about to leave without even saying good bye. I didn't even get a chance to complain about how the only thing people care about is presents... and receiving. and how theres not enough giving... and caring... and remembering the true meaning of christmas.
because its as though...christmas didn't happen...i dont know how this happened.
i also dont understand how during a school BREAK...i am JUST AS BUSY as i was during school.

This is going to be a short post. I just kind of had an epiphany... which i honestly have a lot of... but tonight it was how time changes things.
In highschool my senior year we had to this suicide thing.. i dont mean we had to ...kill ourselves...or anything... i mean...of course not...im still here. but our teachers were required to make us watch videos on suicide and prevention, and how to tell if your friends a suicide case, and what not. and one of the things the video hit on, was how kids think that life is just so bad that it can't be fixed... but what they dont realize is time fixes everything.
think about that.
time.
fixes.
everything.
I talked to a girl tonight. who used to completely despise me. she used to start a lot of drama, and basically made my life... crap... for a little while.
However, she asked me how i was tonight.
and she wasn't just trying to be nosy, i think she genuinely cared. and we had a civil conversation.
and it just made me think...
how time just really does change thing.
people grow up.
people mature.
things heal.
i suppose its just a reminder to remember, that yeah, things may be bad in the present time... but its going to get better.
doesn't it always?

lets make a wreckless memory. ;p
Righteous Christmas my friends.

i wanna

have the same last dream again. the one where i wake up and im alive.
im the first to know my dearest friends, that even when your hope is burnt with time...
you will be fine.


have you ever noticed how beautiful the world is?
im talking... how truly indescribably pretty our world is. our earth. our nature. our trees. our grass. our flowers. our sky. our sun. our moon.
if there is one good thing about being in east tennessee it is the mountains. and the beauty that just completely surrounds and overtakes us.
I have this boyfriend. and hes pretty much the most amazing person.
he took me to the firetower to see the sunset.
and i was speechless.
it was so beautiful. and it made me thankful to live where i am. i thought of all the people in the world who dont get to witness such a life changing experience as the sun setting over the mountains and the hills of east tennessee. the wind blowing my face to almost complete numbness, but it didn't even matter. because i felt warm in seeing the beauty God has blessed me with.
Of course as i was walking back down the tower i noticed a bunch of profanity and of course the must be drawn on EVERY WALL penis... because we are SO MATURE
really people?
i mean... REALLY!!!!!???????
the fact that there is a place for us to go anytime we want to just go out and be with nature, and some STUPID kids decide to take advantage of this opportunity and draw something like a PENIS!???... i swear, sometimes i am ashamed to be a human. so my plan is I want to repaint the firetower. of course, i realize i would have to get permission. but i want to paint it. because there are older couples that go out there to view the gorgeous landscaping, and they shouldn't have to see some of the garbage that some stupid kids have decided to "joke around" and paint it on the walls.
i am sorry, but REALLY...it just makes me sick.

you know there are so many people who dont have a place to view such a grand view as watching the sun set... or the sun rise... you would think we would be more appreciative, and respectful... but then again... who am i kidding? haha. wow.

well, anyways, besides that.
today was very much needed and amazing.
i finished both of my exams, and let me tell you i aced that bib studies... at least i felt really good about it.
i finished my french exam today, and i feel pretty good about it too.
i worked really hard this semester. and i loved it. being busy, yet changing lives, and having my own life changed.
i love maryville college.
i wouldn't dare go anywhere else.
i wouldn't have enjoyed it anywhere else.
not only because of bonner, but because of the school itself.
the wonderful professors, and the amazing people.
it was totally worth working my ... butt... off to get to go to this school.

can you say... KILL ME!

it is 2:57 am, might as well be three am.
here is what has happened to poor me.
yes, feel sorry for me people.
I was working on my comp portfolio. i set aside MY WHOLE WEDNESDAY after five, because thats when i get done with my nursing home, to work on my portfolio for comp and to work on my powerpoint for comp.
okay, so everythings good. i run to target, get the post its and the stickers. I even make a collage to go on the front of my portfolio so it'll be interesting. (poor professor has a lot of folders to look at, thought id brighten up her day, make it more interesting). ANYWAYS, so im working on my papers and my rhetorical analysis and BAM...
i can't see.
why can't i see?
am i blind?
NO
the power is officially out... its about... oh seven.
okay no big deal right?
I go downstairs. eat.
tell the fam i am going to take a nap. to wake me up when the power comes back on.
"caitlin... caitlin... caitlin... get up"
clock reads 10:45
i ask, "the power back on?"
i get the answer "no."
well darn. what do i do now... SOOO i drive to MC and I am in the library till two o clock working on everything. then whitney and I get kicked out, and so now here we sit on the second floor of davis both diligently working on our homework. mine is actually, sorta finished. i just need to print. I am finally getting to experience a college night of an all nighter.
and you know what?
i like it.
i wont tomorrow... well... today... in a few hours from now.
but right now.
life is good.

now i see why cavemen didn't go to college.

Create the World.

With a click of a camera.

I have learned in my life that I love taking pictures. not just love... but its as though i have a sense of peace within me as I press down that cool black button and hear the click of that masterpiece.
You know I hate posed pictures most of the time.
because usually you take a posed picture and it isn't even what the person is like... what i mean is... a picture shouldn't just say , "look heres Jane" it should say, "this is Jane, she loves life and laughter" you should be able to tell that just simply by looking at a picture.
I went to Canada over the summer with my french class. As I was showing my teacher my pictures I had a lady come up and start looking at them. She told me that with good training I would be really good. because i have one thing a lot of people don't have. I have "the eye" now honestly. i can't possibly tell you what that means. but because of that lady i decided instead of just being a journalist, I wanted to be a PHOTO journalist.

Heres where the story comes into place.
I'll skip the once upon time, if thats okay with you.
So my aunt asked me to take pictures of her boys, so she could make them into christmas presents. Well, unfortunately I do not own the glorious camera that I do all my real work with, It is my step-dads, but he is pretty cool with letting me use it when i need too. ANYWAYS, so i took the pictures at the Greenbelt, she didn't want posed pictures, but yet just the boys feeling relaxed, and showing their personalities.
The pictures turned out great.
I'll steal one and put it on here.
So my aunt gives a copy of the CD to my grandmother, who starts to of course show off at her work.
BADING
Caitlin has another photoshoot to partake in ;DD(happyhappy ok?)
I get really excited that someone actually likes my work, and so i set up a time, a place, and a day and i prepare my camera to go onto this adventure of photography.
I'll have you know, the little girl I encountered to take her picture, was exquisite. very very grown up for her age, and yet still with a ton of ambition and energy.
Her name is Chelsea. and her mother wanted some natural shots of her playing on the playground, so that she could remember Chelsea as the wild child she is, not some posed preppy "shnookums".
So i introduced myself to Chelsea.
ME: (bending down to get on Chelsea's level) Hi Chelsea I'm Caitlin, how old are you?
Chelsea: six
ME: okay now that we know each other, think it's cool if we be friends?
Chelsea: (gives me the most sincere look as she looks me over from head to toe) Ummm i dont know about that... i dont really know you
of course i laugh, and think to myself, man this girl is smart,
but i also was kind of intimidated. I am usually really good with kids, and so I have never encountered a kid not liking me, I didn't want her to not like me, because then it would make it harder for pictures.
I really wanted her to loosen up so that she could be ONE HUNDRED percent natural... only then can i achieve that artistic and masterpiece shot.




So i told Chelsea to just start playing and she went straight to the slide. she decided she was going to hide from me, which i found was probably the most amusing thing... and ironic. considering i was trying to take pictures of her...and she decided to hide. bright kid. very smart. and cute.
but i love games, and so i decided to play with her. she was cute and laughing and she slid down that slide fifty times before she decided she wanted to go on to something else... and even then, she didn't decide it, i just asked her if maybe she wanted to swing.
but my favorite part was asking her if she wanted to climb a tree.
her face lightened up like i had just handed her a really large chocolate chip cookie. she smiled at me and nodded.
however when her mother went to put her in the tree she started getting scared.
Chelsea is afraid of heights.
She was hugging the tree as though she was in love with it, only it was because she was holding on to her dear life.
she soon started to relax though, and she even started posing for me, it was great.
The thing I remember most about this little girl though, is when I went to run with her while she was riding her bike, and she kept looking at me oddly. she looked at me, and told me that i was very strange. and i laughed and said, yes i know. she looked at my hat, and she looked at my shirt, then she looked at my ears.
Chelsea: HEY! you are wearing two different earrings...
Me: yes, this is true
Chelsea: why?
Me: just because i want to

although she thought i was weird i could tell she really started to like me. she kept asking me to come up on the jungle gym thingy mabob, and play with her. she wanted to slide with me, she wanted to swing with me, and i could tell she didn't really want me to leave.

i was actually sad to leave her.
i think i get attached to easily
im actually told it is my downfall.

Chelsea was a beautiful little girl.
and maybe we can become friends.


my grandmother called me today,
let me know that Kristin, (Chelsea's mom) really really liked the pictures and was showing them to everyone.
but the best news of all,
she told me that Chelsea wants me to babysit her.
she got up for school and wanted her hair to "look like caitlins" she wanted to dress "just like caitlin" and she named her favorite bratz doll "caitlin"
i had made an impression on that child.
and it made me smile.

carefree.

First of all, I would like to really apologize for not taking time to post a blog. I have been so busy the last couple of weeks, it has been awful, just simply awful. I am so ready for christmas break it is ridiculous. I have three papers to write over Thanksgiving, but I figure I can get them all out of the way tomorrow. then i'll have thursday and friday for myself, and sleep. oh man, sleep sounds so nice. I have only gotten sixteen hours of sleep in the last three days. And that is a lot compared to what some of these poor souls get in four days!

I was talking to someone who stayed up all night, and I just couldn't do it. I have to at least get some sleepage or im miserable the next day, and I look like im high because my eyes are bloodshot. Sleep is my friend, not my enemy. far from my enemy.

Its funny how things can get really really hectic and then you forget to take a minute to just relax. things get so stressful that it seems to stress out everything else in your life. relationships. friendships. family. even my poor cat gets the bad end of the deal.
But its even MORE funny when you see something that just simply makes you laugh, and makes you think that life isn't as bad as you make it out to be. College isn't really as hard as you try to make it sound, and the stress doesn't have to run your entire life.
I saw something that reminded me of these things.
The other day I was driving to work. As I turned on a road there were these two pit bulls and they were just lolling around in the road. Now, my initial reaction was to think, "stupid dogs, you're going to get killed" but instead of thinking "stupid dogs" i thought, "wow what it must be like to feel that carefree" I mean, think about it. first of all they were somewhat kind of puppies, which means they weren't little, but they weren't fully grown either. They don't realize that the big things with rollie wheels, can, well, hit them. and...sadly..kill them. they are so carefree, and just wagging their tails, and they made it across the street, after playing in it for thirty seconds, and I just sat there patiently, watching them, and i chuckled to myself. Because even though I am as stressed out as I am, I do the exact same thing. There are times where I am just so much into my own little world, that I am oblivious to the danger that surrounds me. I think we all kind of do that. But I don't think it is a bad thing.. If we are constantly all the time worried, and looking over our shoulders... we live life in fear. Its good to just be carefree sometimes. its great actually. As I drove away I smiled for once and just had this sense of peace and relaxation. it was nice.
very nice.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
I shall return.

"You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair"

swing swing.

Kiki.


"Kiss me down by the broken tree house
Swing me upon its hanging tire
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map"

definitely in need of a break. I feel as though I need to just run away for a bit, and regain myself. my thoughts, my personality. I feel as though its all just been struggling lately. I need to take a week off and turn my phone off, and turn my computer off and not get on facebook.

I do not know about you, but I feel like facebook is taking over the world. everyone and literally their mom has a friggin facebook. i know. because MY MOM has one. You have some people who are petrified that aliens may come to take over the world. or you have the people who themselves want to take over the world. well, facebook, sadly has outdone the aliens, and beaten your plans of WORLD DOMINATION! sorry kids. maybe next time.
i mean, but its great though isn't it? myspace... all you could do is go and look at everyones pictures and read whatever they wanted you to know in their about me. However, facebook is of a different species. You can know what EVERYONE is doing at all times. You don't like Jane, but you want to know what shes doing at all times? Facebook her DUH! you can read what Jane is doing at all times, you can read her CONVERSATIONS! unless of course she has them through chat or messaging, but Jane wants you to see her conversations so she doesn't do the whole messaging thing. you can even see who Jane is becoming friends with at ALL TIMES! isn't that great?? it is as though you have an inside portal to JANES LIFE!
and yet we wonder why facebook is so much fun.

I was playing on the playground with my kids at the center when one of my girls, Kiki, asked me to help her across the monkey bars.
KI: caitlin will you help me
me: no but i can watch you do it and make sure you dont fall
KI: starts to whine just a little: no i want you to help me
me: well i have faith in you that you can do it yourself
KI: starts to really whine: but i am afraid of falling
i now decide to take ahold of kiki's legs and then I tell her to let go of the monkey bars and i abruptly put her on the ground
me: you see? thats not a long ways down. so if you tried and you fell, you wouldn't even break anything
At this Kiki gets back up on the monkey bars and starts to attempt doing it by herself. you can just see the intensified look of, "must...get...across...monkey...BARS!" but you can also see the subtle fear of falling.
KI: im slipping!
me: i raise my voice: YOU can DO IT KI... just keep going! don't worry i'll catch you if you fall
she makes it.
she looks at me when shes done, and she gets this huge smile on her face.
I just wink at her.

when you think about it, college is a lot like this. its just a bunch of monkey bars, and although the ground really isn't that far down, to us it seems forever, and we are scared of falling. we let our fears prevent us from doing something we really want to do. I think we should all be like Kiki. everyone has a different monkey bar in their life. yours might be wanting to get involved in an organization, but you feel like you do not have time. You can't let the fear of time rule your life. thats every college students' fear. time. you know, the reason I do not wear a watch is because I do not want to feel owned by time. I understand that time is precious, yes, but you nor I should fear it. your monkey bar might be making that friend or meeting that person who may be a bit different from you. or trying out that new church, or taking in that different religion. you can be afraid to do something just because you might fall.
we should know about falling.
ring around the rosies
pocket full of posies
ashes ashes.
we all fall down.
okay fine.
now get back up

la la live out loud!

Stressing out isn't even the right phrase. its more like, just kill my head please. im actually using this as a procrastination. HA! YOU THINK YOU CAN KEEP ME DOWN HOMEWORK. ILL SHOW YOU!
I guess you just have to decide whether or not you are going to let such worrisome things take over your mind. you have control of your mind right? sometimes i wonder if i really do.

So, right now I am going to take my mind off of this boring topic of stress that all of us fine college students go through. i mean, its the basis of our lives. right?
not mine! I WILL NOT BOW I WILL NOT BREAK I WILL BLOW THE STRESS AWAY. ;D

anyways, I never told you about me and whitney hunt's miracle. oh yes. a miracle. so you know how i posted about the walk and how all of those college students gave the shoes on their feet that night for the kids in Haiti? well, I got to thinking after I left that night that "hey... college students normally have big feet... I am sure there are little kids that need shoes at Haiti too" so I asked whitney if she wanted to maybe go shoe shopping. Well, mom happened to have a bag full of shoes that do not fit my brother and sister anymore, and then we went to the shoe store in Hunters Crossing. well my friend, this shoe store is really expensive... and even though we were going to split the cost... we still would have been left with only supplying MAYBE two pair. that simply isn't enough. so we decide we are going to drive to target. well we are driving down the road and whitney decides she wants to stop at Lees Chicken to get a sweet tea and a biscuit. okay. now we are on our way to target. okay. now we are at target. park car. get out. HEY a shoe store. HEY payless. that works. Pay LESS. right? whitney says, "hey hold on I have to finish this biscuit out here" so we are standing there minding our own business while whitney eats her biscuit and gets honey ALL over her purse, some strange woman comes out of the shoe store. looks left. looks right. walks over to us with her head bent down. and whispers... "psst.... you can't tell anyone im telling you this..." momentarily stops to once again check her surroundings. "you see i have this coupon right here that if you text this number you get a code back and you get a discount on your purchase" so whitney and i just look at each other skeptically. we don't know if its for real or not. but why not try yeah? so i text the number, and sure enough i get a text back that reads "show cashier this code to get 50 percent off your purchase" 50 PERCENT????? so the woman disappears, and whitney and I just look at one another. DID THIS REALLY JUST HAPPEN??? so we walk in, and ended up buying A TON of shoes. because not only did we get 50 percent off with our coupon. there was a HUGE sale!!!! we each paid 45 dollars a piece and got at least eight or nine pairs of shoes... it was so great.

all you need is love.

this is a very popular song by the very famous John lennon... well actually the Beatles. The reason the beatles is on my mind is because i am doing my research paper on John Lennon. but to be more exact I am doing it on was Yoko Ono the downfall of John Lennon, or the uprising of his music career. im actually getting a bit frustrated reading some of these music critics blogs. you see... im a huge beatles fan, and i can't stand yoko ono. i do not believe she ever loved john, but on the contrary she just wanted his fame and his money... John was famous...and he was her excerpt into the world of "fame and fortune" i believe she used him to get her voice out. i mean come on the plastic ono band... ONO BAND... DING DING DING DING... how much more evidence do you need? not to mention she just carried him around like a puppet half the time. i think thats why he "loved" her, because he didn't want to think for himself, and he liked that she would take control. Im a firm believer that his heart stayed with Cynthia Powell. i read her book and cried, and got so mad.. and yes i realize a book written by her could be somewhat biased, but a lot of the reports from his son Julianne, sort of line up with Cynthia's reports too. what really made me sad was when Julianne asked Cynthia one day, "why is it that on the TV dad talks about love all the time, but he doesn't love me" it broke my heart, and it gave me a huge perspective on john lennon. he was somewhat of a coward, and Yoko Ono took advantage of that.

anyways, a lot of these critics are making me so mad, because they think the new lennon was more real. even though he stayed in a hotel, not having any contact with his son, or the world for that matter... and just did drugs... even if he wouldn't have gotten shot, the drugs would have taken him eventually...
dont get me wrong, im a huge John Lennon fan, well, a Beatles fan. very huge Beatles Fan, but in my opinion, Yoko Ono was the worse thing to ever happen to him. period.

ON another note, Halloween weekend was SO AWESOME!!!! Matt and I were Prince... purple rain purple raaaiieeennn. and Apollonia; im a sex shooter, shooting love in your direction...
and we went to an adult party actually and it was A LOT of fun, we danced our tails off! haha, and we definitely won for the best costumes!
Saturday we went to the masquerade ball and I wore my prom dress, and my aunt painted a mask on me and made me look like a faerie. my hair looked really cool, and my other aunt painted a vine down my back, i pretty much looked friggin amazing. and we had such a good time dancing there. it was funny because it was me, matt, my bestfriend whitney hunt, and her date tyler, and we were dancing and having so much fun we didn't notice we were the last ones on the dance floor, until the lights came on. haha. talk about living in the moment. aye.
now its back to reality, and school. im actually ready for break...





"I was hysterical. That was the trouble. I was jealous of anyone she had anything to do with. I demanded absolute trust from her, because I wasn't trustworthy myself. I was neurotic, taking all my frustrations out on her. She did leave me once. That was terrible. I couldn't stand being without her." - John Lennon

"It was at this point in our marriage that I realized that unless I joined the club, we weren't going to survive, so I succumbed to one of John's never ending requests to take LSD with him. I didn't want to but I felt that I had to save our marriage. I also believe John in his own way was doing the same. During my trip John was marvelous. But whatever happiness and awareness John gained through it, I didn't. I hated every moment. It was hell on earth. The hallucinations sent me into a panic. Through my tears and fears I would look at John in the hope that he could in some way help me out of the prison my mind had become., only to see the man I loved turn into a giant mule with razor sharp teeth leering and laughing at me. All the time John kept telling me he loved me and would never leave me. All I could reason was that I was definitely going mad. It was something I never wanted to experience again." - Cynthia Lennon

a picture i took at a Lennon Yoko bed in exhibit.

SHOES

so the walk was INCREDIBLE TONIGHT... EVERYONE GIVING THEIR SHOES... I am amazed that there are still compassionate people that exist.
i am just seriously awestruck.
i walked into the walk tonight stressed out and even mad at people in my heart.. and i left remembering that there are far greater things in this lifetime then what I am going through. there are kids out there with nothing... and i was able to help them with just one pair of shoes. there were hundreds of college students who donated their shoes to these children in Haiti. the stage was FULL of shoes. and there were so many people who came in wearing shoes, and left barefooted.

very random.
just had to...
wow...
just wow...


random picture... but its a little girl..and she has shoes... just think of all the barefoot people who will have shoes by this weekend...

Change is constant.

good times. great memories.


isn't it funny how things change over time? its like, one day you are this one person and you have this one group of friends, and then you blink once, and you are this completely other person, and you have this different group of friends, and you wonder whatever happened to the old you, and why aren't you friends with those other people anymore.
or maybe none of that just made sense to you, and it was just like one big puzzle.
i was thinking last night about how much i told myself walking into maryville, "no i wont change...because i've always been me" but i guess even the person you are can eventually change over time. i can tell that i have changed, i have become way more responsible, and i even kind of remind myself of an adult... i know cray? i thought so too. i guess i was just thinking about the person who i used to be, and how a lot has changed. this post wont be very long, i am just very excited about my future and who I am meant to be in this life, i often ponder what kind of differences i will make, will i make one? i have also realized that without maryville i wouldn't be this motivated. being a bonnor has shaped who i am. i have always had this very emotional heart on helping others, and being a bonnor i am able to exercise this heart, this desire, and when i am having a bad day, or homework is taking over my brain, i am able to look forward to going to see my kids, or going to talk and hang out with my elderly people. it truly is the strongest thing keeping me going. its my life hanger. a clothes hanger, your clothes hang onto this hanger, just like my life hangs onto being a bonnor. its amazing to already see the differences i am making in other people's lives.

I talk to a friend last night, who is getting involved in some pretty serious film making stuff, and he is already involved with a top gun dude who can make him big. it was amazing to hear how his life is rapidly changing, and yet i always knew he could do it you know? i always knew hed be some radical film maker and one day i know he will be some famous movie director of some sort. he was always wicked smart with computers and technology of the such.
and it makes me wonder.
do my old friends who hear about my life now, do they think to themselves, "i always knew caitlin could do it, i have faith in her... she will make a difference" or do they just think "wow... caitlins doing this?? i never expected it..."

well, thats just a short post for today, sorry there haven't been any pictures lately... my stinking computer has this stupid setting to where it wont let me put pictures on here... i dont know whats wrong, i plan on fixing it though i promise.

well, off to see my kids,

"You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant. It happened to me. "
-Life As A House.